I'm struggling with feeling purpose in my life again. The feeling comes and goes...but ultimately, I find myself biding my time, trying to distract myself with daily tasks so I can check off another day and hurry to the next. I feel like I'm just waiting...waiting for life to feel completely normal again. I don't mean "normal", as in laughing and smiling and hanging out with family and friends. Dan and I have been able to do that since the funeral. But some days I feel like I'm having one of those dreams where I'm trying to run, trying to get somewhere, but I can't...because my limbs are numb and I have no control to move, to get where I want. In those dreams, I'm frantic and frustrated and I don't understand why I'm not working. I have somewhere to be! Or I'm trying to escape.
The last few days have felt much like that. Based on my charting, I'm pretty sure this month is a flop for ovulating. I feel like all my efforts are wasted this month... checking, charting, timing... and worst of all, hoping. I keep thinking that life will truly begin again for me when I'm pregnant. It will be a count -down to happiness, instead of counting up and adding numbers that aren't going anywhere. Mentally and emotionally, my life is on hold.
I'm trying to be successful each day. I've been working on publishing goals. I just finished working on my synopsis, which some literary agencies require when you send in your query. I've been sprucing up my first few chapter, arranging and re-arranging over and over different ways to make the beginning more enticing. I've also been exercising, and I'm losing weight without even trying as hard as I used to.
But each week, the rejection letters keep coming. Only one agent has asked to even look at my first fifty pages and turned it down. I guess I feel like I'm failing... at so many things. Rejected, rejected. Some days I don't even care about getting published. It's just a hobby - something to do to pretend I have purpose.
What do you do when you know what you want and you can't have it? The hardest thing for me is to remember and accept is the Lord's timing and hand in all things.
Carrie and I were talking about how, sometimes, we feel like, "I've had my tragedy. Let's bring on the blessings!" But it doesn't really work that way. Even though I'd like to think nothing like this will ever happen to me again...I know it could. I've seen and heard about it in other peoples lives. I am not exempt. And why should I be? But I'm afraid. The last couple days I have felt weak. I feel ashamed that I can't always be strong. And once in a while, like last night, I feel angry and question so many things.
A scripture from stake conference (back in April) keeps coming to mind. "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24) The statement seems contradictory. But what is being stated is this: We all have limits. We can believe as much as we can, and even then, sometimes we need a little boost to keep us going.
I guess the past couple days, I have reached my limit. I have been praying for the Lord to help rekindle my faith. I have had wonderful experiences that get pushed to the side in the midst of a bad day. But even now, as I write these things, I feel myself strengthening, and remembering the things I know to be true. I do believe everything will work out as intended; that the Lord sees and knows things in our future that we cannot comprehend at this time. So for now, I continue to pray:
"Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
Recovering and Surrendering
9 years ago
3 comments:
AAAAHHHH!! I remember feeling the exact same way when I was trying to get pregnant. The count down to happiness. You described it perfectly. Ahh, each month that passed was so discouraging. They days and weeks seem so long when charting. I was always so anxious for the day to pass so I could chart yet another disappointing temperature. I'm sorry girl. Have you been MANUALLY checking your cervical fluid and cervix? It's so much more fun then taking your temp. Still take your temp, but it just adds extra reassurance that the O is about to happen!!! I swear once I began to understand what I was looking for, it happened that next round.
Erica, you are on my list of heroes. For the way you able to write so eloquently, for your faith, for your honesty, and for just plain being you. Just yesterday I wrote 3 pages of stuff that has been on my mind and I felt so much better after. I think it is good to write the things you do.
Man, Erica. You sure do know how to make me cry! I haven't checked your blog in a week and reading it all at once was crazy. I'm can't imagine the emotion roller coaster you've been on these past few months.
One thing I wanted to tell you is please don't feel ashamed for being sad and not being as strong as you think you should be. It is ok to feel sad and have set backs. If you didn't, there would be something wrong. It is fine to indulge those feelings for a few minutes when they sneak up on you. The thing that makes you strong is that you pull yourself out of them. You don't wallow in your misery. You learn and grow from it and that's what makes you incredible.
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