Kylana's News

Jen is pregnant! She sent this picture to everyone and sent an urgent text so everyone would look at. Pretty clever! She thinks she's about 9 weeks along but she hasn't been to the doctor yet.
And I can't believe I failed to announce Pawnee's pregnancy! She's due end of February, so we think their babies might be a month or so apart. That will be so fun for them to be pregnant together.

Jen was so sweet and sensitive when she told me. She made sure to ask first if I was having a good day. That clued me in a little bit because we've talked a lot about how I'm always genuinely happy when I hear about other people's pregnancies, but there are days, of course, when I am not in a good place and have a hard time not feeling sad and envious. I was the first person she told when she called me on the phone. When I saw the picture, I was cheerfully yelling into the phone, "Are you serious??" and it took me a minute to realize Jen was crying pretty hard; but they weren't happy tears.

She said, "It just doesn't seem fair!" and was feeling so sad for me. She had plans to tell me she was pregnant when we were in North Carolina. She excitedly waited for me to find out I was pregnant. But when I was devastated instead, she didn't have the heart to tell me. So then I felt bad that she hadn't been able to share her special news. I made sure she understood that I'm very happy for her and she has every right to celebrate and enjoy her pregnancy. I was very touched by her concern and love for me though.

I think she also knows that, naturally, I'm a little jealous and wish it were me, too. But my jealousy is independent of my happiness for her and Pawnee. How fun would that be to be pregnant our second time, together again, and this time also with Pawnee! I have to sort of laugh about God's sense of humor...or at least His differing plans for me and the timing of it all... I couldn't help but look upwards and think, "What the heck??"  I did question my faith a little bit, wondering if maybe my faith isn't strong enough. But that only last a moment and I don't truly believe that.

What I do believe is that I will be pregnant again, when the time is right. There must be a reason, even if I can't possibly understand what the delay could be. I feel like it's not really too far away, though I'm afraid to admit that in case I'm wrong. I'm on clomid this month, and next month Dan and I are going to try artificial insemination. We'll see how it all goes... I am determined not to be upset this next month. I just need to be ok about it all.

I admire Dan. He has never once voiced negativity about God, bitter or resentful like I have been at times, even if the feelings are short-lived. His faith is steadfast. He tells me I can borrow his faith when I'm feeling weak, and I do. We truly are in this together, to support one another, even - and especially - when one of us falters. It is the pack we made the moment we returned from the hospital that morning. We went for a walk and promised we would stay strong and never give up on each other or on God. We can do it if we stick together.

So congratulations, Pawnee and Jen! I can't wait to meet your little ones.