First Session

Dan and I attended our first counseling session last Tuesday afternoon through LDS Family Services. Our therapist's name is Bruce and we both really like him. He seems direct, honest, and as he expressed to us: he intends to see progress, not just chit-chat every week.

We started off getting to know each other by taking turns introducing our life thus far. Bruce shared about himself, as well, helping us realize that his own life events allow him to relate with our experience -- at least to a certain degree. Then we talked about Ty and many of the same things I mentioned at my session with Tami and the Bishop. I didn't even put water-proof mascara on today because I was certain I would continue feeling just fine; but the water-works came anyway, and I'll admit it made me a little nervous watching Bruce scribble in his notebook. But it felt good to talk with him, and feel Dan's reassuring squeeze of my hand.

One thing Bruce focused on was thought management. He wrote and published an article that he asked us to read for homework. He explained that our thoughts our like the front wheels of the car, and our emotions are the back wheels: Where our thoughts go, our emotions will follow. I guess we'll be talking more about that in the future, but the concept makes sense to me. Positive or negative thoughts will usually dictate which emotions we will feel.

I'm interested to experience this counseling process, and see the road it leads us on. Having talked about my feelings and deep emotions three times within five days, I have felt much calmer and more positive. Since Tuesday, when I've thought about pregnancy I don't feel as anxious. I've enjoyed giving up my daily tracking and letting life just be what it is. I realize this may be short-lived, but I'm embracing it for now. I have found myself thinking, "Being pregnant is not going to bring Ty back. You need to find other ways to be happy... to find healing." Therapy is a good place to start. I'm beginning to feel a little bit of acceptance for my situation -- something I have been fighting (subconsciously or not) since March. I need to be truly OK with Ty's death: Spiritually, emotionally, intellectually... It's the only way I will ever feel whole again -- and even then, I imagine I may not ever feel whole in the exact same way I used to; but I'm leaning towards accepting that.