It's 3:35 in the morning and once again I find myself wide awake thinking of you. You're constantly on my mind, but even more so these past couple weeks. I've been laying here in bed thinking about all the things I'd love to say to you, and all the memories that have come rushing back today, the day of your birthday.
One year ago on the morning of October 20th, 2009, I unexpectedly found out I would give birth to you within the next 24 hours. Of course, no one really expected you to come until the next day, but you had other plans. I will never forget the intensity of labor (well, only as much as other moms who are blessed with a mild sense of amnesia so that we'll gladly go through the experience again!). Without any drugs, I felt everything--the immense pressure of contractions that racked my body; your father's sturdy arm as I dug my nails into him; fear of the unknown and if everything would be OK; and the purest joy and pride that comes with surviving such a challenge. Your dad cried with me in the very moments the doctor held you in the air, discolored and coated with the evidence of your own challenge in coming into this world with such vigor and success--and with such fragile beauty that I knew I would do everything in my power to love and care for you and give you all of life's experiences.
I write that last line with only the mildest guilt that is ever-present when I think of your death. I still have things to work on, Ty--so many things to work on to be perfected like you one day. But my faith in the gospel has grown tremendously. I have felt Heaven's encompassing arms around me during my most emotional days, and I distinctly remember feeling yours around me in the days following your funeral--that beautifully warm shiver that held me tightly as I curled in a ball, sobbing in my room while I listened to music that reminded me so vividly of you. But I do believe things happened the way they were intended. I know your dad and I loved you with the fullest of hearts, and agreed before we came to this earth that we would overcome this trial and be with you again after this mortal life. We will never stop striving for that.
Ty, you are a light in so many people's lives. If only I could touch as many people in my entire lifetime as you have in your 4 1/2 months on earth. If only all of us could leave such a lingering goodness with everyone we smiled at, like you did. You were such an easy baby to care for that at times, I do find myself wondering with some anxiety if I'll feel any resentment towards the next baby, or the next, who may not be as mellow and calm as you usually were. But then I look at pictures of newborns and feel their angelic souls, and I remember how natural it felt to hold you and love you...and I know in those moments that I will feel that way again with this baby in my womb, who is waiting for his or her turn on earth. I'm excited to know that you have been, and perhaps still are, prepping your brother or sister for their journey. When I first look into this baby's eyes, I will be thrilled to know you were one of the last people he or she saw in the Spirit World. And I will love him or her, daring to open my heart as wide as I did for you. I will learn how my heart can still grow.
Today we are celebrating your first birthday. I try to imagine what you would like right now if you were toddling around these days. Jamie Malloy said you would probably like anything with wheels! I have to agree. I bet you would be making strides in walking, too. You were always so strong, so determined.
You will always be remembered in our family. In your baby blessing, your father blessed you that you would be loved by all your parents, grandparents, your aunts and uncles... Today you will see that is indeed the case. Balloons will be let off this afternoon and evening in your honor in Utah, Nevada, Arizona, and even Thailand, with notes of love and an online link to your video so that you can continue to touch lives in ways we will never know.
You are the shining star in our family guiding us home.
I love you so much, so very, very much.
~Mama
XOXOXO
The next day, after a good shower and clean up for both of us!
Holding on tight to your Khun Yai and forever changing her life. Now she is holding on to you just as tightly. We all are.
Grandpa Rock--Another life changed by your sweet spirit
7 comments:
We love you Dan and Erica. We are thinking of and praying for you today. We miss and love you baby Ty.
WE love you Ty!! Thank you for all the good you've done in our lives.
Love you Erica & baby Ty! You are in my thoughts :)
Erica, I love you so very much! Your words are so wonderful to read.
Erica & Dan, as wonderful as Ty was, it was not coincidence that he had you both for parents. You are beautiful examples of faith, hope and love, strength and determination in love and support for one another...Ty could have only been born to the best. Each member of my little family has been deeply and forever touched by Ty and he will always be ever present in our lives. We love him and we love you!
Erica, you do such a beautiful job of expressing yourself. I had to fight back tears while reading your post. I love you!
Here are just a few of my thoughts...
Regarding Ty's death, I know you have mentioned that you feel guilt for putting a blanket in with Ty. But Erica, you did not hold it over his head until he stopped breathing. If you had, THEN you would be responsible for his death. You need to remind yourself daily that Ty died ONLY because he had fulfilled his mission here on Earth. It was his time to return to our Heavenly Father to do a greater work. I think the only way you will be able to let go of those feelings of guilt is to remind yourself daily and to pray for the ability to let go of those feelings. You and Dan are the best parents! Ty knows that, and so does Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father does not hold you responsible for Ty's death. He only has gratitude for the selflessness you and Dan have shown by taking one of Heavenly Father's choicest sons, teaching him all that you could in such a short period of time, and then preparing him to return home to do a greater work! You and Dan are amazing people of great strength.
I think you do touch as many people's lives as Ty did. You have such strength, incredible faith! You truly live up to your maiden name! You have and continue to inspire me to be a better person and I love you for that!
On a lighter note...this is for Dan. Make sure that Erica trims her nails before she goes into labor, so you can save your arms!
That was so beautiful Erica--tears were flowing as I read it. Your love for him is so pure...I love reading it and knowing that I am not alone with all of those feelings. He is so beautiful; that picture of you and him after birth--where he was placed on you "kangaroo" fashion, as your closed eyes and gentle face laid upon his head--it is beautiful.
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