Aiyana's First Week

Most people have said to us, "I can't believe it's been a week all ready!" Our response: "Has it really only been a week??" I'm sure the lack of sleep has something to do with it, but it also feels very natural having her with us in our family. She fits right in, and the roles Dan and I have as parents has returned just as easily.

 This is actually a "day 3" shot. I just had to try out this whole "headband and flower" thing. Yep, it's as fun as it looks!

 Here's the co-sleeper that lays between Dan and me in bed where we can keep an easy eye on her.

 Sponge bath time! We can't wait for her cord to fall off so we can give her a real bath.

 Here's her very amateur one week photo shoot! (We hired an actual photographer the day before. I can't wait to see the edited pictures. Aiyana looked absolutely adorable.)

 Big yawn!

 She has so many cute facial expressions.

 This is her "shifty-eyes" look she does quite often.

And who doesn't love a cross-eyed newborn?

Some fun facts about our little one:

• She's our noisy girl in her sleep! She moans and grunts pretty often while we hold her or makes these little sounds that have earned her the nick-name "Squeakers" from Dan. Sometimes she whimpers with the saddest bucket lip that I wonder if baby's know how to have bad dreams. It makes me so sad to see that cute face cry in her sleep like that! Actually, she's not much of a crier. When she's awake, she grunts and growls in irritation if she needs something, but rarely does she let out her loud squawk. She saves it for when she's really mad, like if I'm changing her diaper too slowly right before it's time to eat.
• Her eyes are deep blue right now, which is hard to distinguish between "baby newborn blue" and if they'll actually stay that way. We're hoping and betting they keep their color though. Also, we noticed the other day that she has her dad's eyes in more ways than one: Her left pupil appears bigger than her right pupil, just like Dan's! It's pretty subtle but we both noticed it the other day and it made us smile.
• In eight days she has gained about 13ozs. I know she still looks little but to me, so look so big all ready! She's really filling out fast, especially in her face. She's so kissable!

We really have so much fun having Aiyana with us. Sometimes I just look down at her and can't believe she's really here. . . which can trigger my anxiety that she could be taken away. The next night after my previous post about requesting prayers, I actually slept pretty well and was pleasantly surprised and so grateful. Then last night arrived and I was an internal wreck all over again. I was fixated on the idea that her breathing was irregular, which is actually normal for newborns, but I suddenly couldn't shake the possibility that she could stop breathing at any moment. Dan was in and out of sleep, having taken sleeping pills so he can rest up and keep studying for the bar every day. It made for a long, lonely night that only further exhausted my low fuel.

Dan made me promise to take a nap that afternoon, which I was able to do with my mom's offer to watch Aiyana. Up in my room, I turned on the relaxing music I used during labor and fell into my bed. My body was completely spent, as were my emotions. In moments, I was suddenly bawling into my pillow, missing Ty so badly, and with an ache I haven't made time to recognize in a long while. But I eventually fell asleep for two hours.

Later that evening, I wanted some quiet time with Aiyana, so I returned to my room to listen to music. Cradling her in my arms, I was mesmerized by her beauty, tracing her facial features with a light finger and loving how she fit just perfectly in my arms against my chest. When she was first born, I didn't think she looked anything like Ty. But today, all her baby-ness reminded me so much of him and unleashed an even heavier grief. I hugged her while she slept and sobbed more than I have in months, feeling so conflicted between missing my boy and loving the baby girl in my arms. I felt the memories of my first few months as a mother: all the tenderness, the tired eyes, the pure bliss of my family . . . and the intensity of experiencing a loss greater than I could ever describe.  Holding Aiyana, I found myself thinking, "How have I made it this long?" Truly having her here at last has reminded me of what I have missed out on this past year. It hurts and I'm tired. It's like I was treading water for far too long but didn't realize how exhausted I was until I reached dry land. However, there is joy and such gratitude, as well.

Dan returned home from the gym and somehow I cried some more, Dan able to sense everything I was feeling. He said something to me that I liked: how symbolic it was that my tears fell onto Aiyana's head -- because despite the sadness, it all lead back to her, and she is our happiness.

I know the tears today were good for me. I need the time to process yet another step towards my healing, and even though it's difficult, I feel better for having gone through it.