Looking Back

I love when I find a TV series on Netflix that I enjoy watching. It's more fun to follow a dramatic storyline in sequence. Because there are lots of seasons, I have just started watching Grey's Anatomy while I'm nursing, ironing, etc. All those hospital dramas seem kind of the same, but they bring up interesting dilemmas and ethical situations (not to mention the workplace romances, too, which are the true reasons the shows are worth watching, right?) Today's episode highlighted trying to save one man's life, who also proved to be the perfect donor to save another man's. In the end, the family of the first man agreed to let him off life-support and was faced with the decision of donating his organs.

I used to think the answer was clear. I never had a personal perspective to cloud that decision before. Now I do.

In the hospital with Ty, we had a few minutes before a nurse gently asked if we had considered organ donation. I had just lost my son, but I knew that time in these donor situations is precious. I looked at the perfect body of my baby, and a part of me knew the decent thing to do would be to give him up. But I couldn't do it. I envisioned them cutting him, my little boy. I shook my head saying, "I don't want them to do it, I don't want them to cut him", and cried into Dan's shoulder. The nurse immediately backed off the subject, explaining it was simply procedure to ask. I don't begrudge her for that. Not one bit.

And I know no one judges me for saying no. But looking back on it, if it had felt personal...if I had been able to have the mind set that I might save another baby's life, or change it for the better and spare parents what we were and would continue to go through, perhaps I would have made a different decision.

But who can understand all this in a moment like that? Some people can, and I admire and respect them for it. I felt worse when I found out they did an autopsy on Ty and he'd been operated on, anyway.

It's hard for me to write about this, and I feel bad if this upsets anyone reading. But I felt like I needed to share this today. It's been on my mind off and on for the past few months for some reason.

It's crazy. Every time I think I've "talked it all out", there's always something else I need to work through. I'm fine. I just need to get the thoughts out of my head for now.