I am continually in awe when I am reminded that the Lord knows what we need, even before we realize we need it. What I write now is in reference to my guilt-induced post from yesterday. Dealing with grief can be very confusing, especially when we are removed from being spiritually fed on a daily basis. I think that goes for life in general. Life can seem so dismal when our focus is on earthly distractions, as President Uchtdorf referenced in his talk this morning.
I prayed yesterday and today before conference to find answers to the trouble I've been feeling again, hoping to hear a talk on how a person forgives themselves for a non-sin-related issue -- like guilt over a child's death. But I also told Heavenly Father that I was not sure what I needed to hear, but that I would hear something that would bring me direction and comfort.
Every talk one after the other was so good! But the two that struck me were first, Craig C. Christensen who spoke about the Holy Ghost and how the Holy Ghost can bring peace and comfort beyond our understanding. His words helped remind me of the incredible, undeniable Spirit we felt after Ty's funeral.
This talk lead perfectly into Shayne M. Bowen's talk where he shared his experience of losing his 8-month-old son, who aspirated on a piece of chalk. His description of that anxious fear waiting in the hospital while the doctors worked on his son . . . and then those devastating, life-changing words from the doctor, apologizing that nothing more could be done was so reminiscent of our own experience. I touched Dan beside me who was crying, and who continued to remember what it felt like to be a father afraid of the dark, unable to sleep, and wondering what could have been done.
The tormenting guilt that Elder Bowen felt was understood by us both. I soaked up every word he spoke, taking notes on:
-How he prayed for a change of heart
- Was given to known he had not been robbed and should look forward with hope, not despair.
-The Spirit World is real, the veil is thin.
And what brought me peace was hearing him say that it was ok not to "fully get over it" because even with the knowledge of the gospel, we are still separated and will not experience that full joy until we are together again. But in the mean time, that bitter pain can be sweetened through Heavenly Father and relying on the Atonement.
I loved that he spoke about remembering the peace felt at the funeral. My heart was so touched by the Holy Ghost during this talk, and I felt with all assurance that rather than focusing on guilt and forgiving myself, I need to continually remember how enveloped with the Spirit that Chapel was on March 13th, 2010. There was such peace and calmness that flooded the room that everyone had to feel the presence of Spirits from the other side present and confirming that all is well.
Even if I don't understand how or why Ty died, what I felt during the funeral and in the weeks leading up to and following his burial was real and inexplicably calming. Something that good could not come from something bad . . . right?
It's how I feel about the gospel. I do not know all things. I don't understand every concept. But I choose to focus on the things I have felt a testimony of. If I have felt it in one area of this gospel, the rest must also be right and I will understand one day. I am reminded today to take this practice into my thoughts with Ty's death. I must remember the peace and Spirit I felt, and always feel when I immerse myself in spiritual matters.
I feel so loved by Heavenly Father today that I could be in a mental place where I could hear these inspired words and be touched by them according to my needs. I have a testimony of prayer, and when I use it with heart-felt sincerity, the Lord answers them. He does! and why I do not make the effort to do so more often is something I need to work on.
Today I feel released from guilt, and while this may not always last, I have another experience to lean on when I falter in the future. I am comforted to know that leaders of our church have experienced these same feelings and still have conviction for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints.
I love general conference. Hope you are enjoying this weekend!
Recovering and Surrendering
9 years ago
2 comments:
I'm glad you wrote today. As I listened to Elder Bowen's talk, your experiences with grieving Ty's passing kept coming to my mind. I think the thing that impressed me was his honesty and openness about the feelings he had and the challenges he has struggled with. Sometimes experiences/trials are talked about in general terms with too much vagueness...I think this makes it easy to feel abnormal or guilty when you have feelings/thoughts that no one admits to feeling. I appreciated his openness...I hope it helps others to feel like they are not alone in feeling certain ways, that it's normal to have those feelings, and I hope it educates those who have not had those experiences to be more empathetic and understanding of the mix and range of emotions others feel when they go through the trial of losing a loved one. As he shared his testimony, I thought of how much I have learned from you and Dan. It's been difficult to watch you both grieve and sometimes feel like I couldn't do very much to help the situation or make things better. But you've both strengthened my testimony as you've moved forward with faith and continued to trust in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. The veil is very thin and I know your little boy is watching over you, waiting for the day when you can be reunited again. Sending lots of love your way. Miss you both.
You have such a beautiful way with words! Thanks for sharing your experience! Love you Erica! you are stronger than you know. God loves you and He knows you! He does hear and answer your prayers!
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