Truly though, I'm happy there is a headstone now. With Dan studying for finals, it was a few weeks after the funeral until we could go together and decide what we wanted for Ty. I hated how empty and naked it looked. Surprisingly, it only took Dan ad I a few minutes to agree. We both wanted the same things- especially the scripture at the bottom: 1 Samuel 1:26-28. I will always treasure those verses and how much they have meant to me before conception and after death.
Sometimes I still can't believe this happened. I've been thinking more about it with a heavier heart lately. I think it's because we are trying to get pregnant again, and while I want it again more than anything, at times I am bombarded with such fear that I don't know what to do. I have a friend who recently lost her baby at 11 weeks. I was so very sad for her. And I couldn't help feeling so scared for the future. I want to be pregnant. But I know it will only be the beginning of some very real and intense emotions that I will need to face head on in order to be OK. I will be scared through all of my pregnancy, knowing now that anything is possible. It will be the beginning of fearing for this child's life for years to come. No one ever thinks "it" will happen to them. I remember Ty's doctor appointment two days before he died when the doctor warned about SIDS, saying, "It happens to someone in our community every year." His words haunted me the moment we followed after the ambulance towards the hospital.
I keep thinking everything will be OK once I get pregnant - that I will have a true sense of purpose again and won't be "wasting time". In my heart, I know I'm not wasting time. There's lots of good I'm doing and can continue to do with my free time... But it still feels that way, sometimes.
Fear is such an interesting emotion. It can inhibit danger and protect you through instinctual warning... or it can sabotage your life by paralyzing you with negative thoughts. I know I need to invest in some heavy-duty prayer and fasting to prepare myself for what lies ahead. And I know Dan and I can do it with the help we continue to receive from family, friends, and the Lord.
6 comments:
Hope Moab was enjoyable! The headstone is beautiful - simply, elegant, classy, and fraught with meaning. But I hate that you have to have it. I never cease to be amazed by your ability to face and objectively analyze the range of profound and complex emotions you are experiencing. I never cease to be amazed by the faith, strength, and optimism you and Dan have. You are right. Despite the sadness and fear, you and Dan will move forward with the help of the Lord, your family, and your friends. We all will be here for you forever! We will listen. We will love. We will cry with you and for you. We will fast and pray with you and for you. We will laugh with you, and maybe on occasion we'll laugh at you...no, we'll just laugh at Dan. Just kidding (Dan, know how highly I regard you!). Seriously, we're all here for you - the Lord, your family, and your friends - and we always will be. Despite the things that may on occasion temporarily separate you from us - the veil, time, miles, etc. - we're all here for you guys! You and Dan are exceptional people and exceptional parents. You will go forward, knowing everything is in the Lord's hands and trusting Him and His eternal purposes. We just move forward, doing our best and and relying on the Lord in all things and for all things.
Love you guys!
Erica, Ty's headstone is beautiful. I absolutely love the picture you guys chose to put on it. I've told Jared so many times what a handsome little man Ty was and is. I know he's so proud of you and Dan right now and how you're living your life. Try to enjoy your summer with your hubby and keep "doing good" because you truly are "good" at it =) I love ya and my thoughts are with you every day.
I think it's so neat to read about how honest and open you are with your thought. You are an incredible person! I wish you the best summer. I hope it's relaxing and refreshing. I still think about you every day.
What a sweet headstone for your little guy. My dad's has been placed for a little while now and I am going to see it tomorrow for the first time. Thanks for sharing it with us.
It is perfect!
I love the headstone! It is beautiful! But I totally understand what you mean about knowing it is final, and then actually seeing it be finalized. That is a very difficult thing! I love you guys and will be thinking about you this Memorial Day weekend! We still need to get together, but I guess it can wait until after the summer! Enjoy a new scenery, environment, adventure! Best of luck in the baby department. Trust in the Lord! There are babies waiting to be born to you and Dan! You were, are, and will be the best mother! Let me know if there is anything I can do for you! xo
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