Sometimes falling asleep is scary to me. You can be propelled into any type of dream, any scenario...and everything about it will seem so real. I had an unpleasant one the other night, one that has stayed with me days later:
I was in the car with my mom and my sister and we were talking about Pawnee's pregnancy. Then Pawnee, seated beside me, looked at me and said, "What was your baby's name again? I'm sorry, I can't remember."
I frowned, racking my own brain for his name. But I couldn't remember. Feeling anxious and embarrassed, I asked my mom, "Do you remember? I don't know why I can't remember all of a sudden." My mom shook her head, looking as confused as the rest of us. I panicked, seeing a fleeting image of my baby boy in my mind but unable to grasp it. I started yelling and crying hysterically, "What is his name? WHAT IS HIS NAME??" I thought perhaps it started with a "C", that it was an older name like "Charles"... but that wasn't right. I called Dan, knowing he would know. But even Dan couldn't remember. Mortified, I screamed and sobbed, strewn across the backseats...
When I woke up, my eyes flew open and with a breath of relief, I thought, "Ty Edward Kiefer. That is his name." I still haven't completely shaken that dark, awful feeling of forgetting Ty. I know that will never happen--least of all from the people in my dream. But I guess somewhere inside of me, I'm afraid to move on and have his memories be forgotten. The dream was two nights after his birthday, so I guess it makes sense, since I was thinking a lot about all his birthdays in the future and what we would do or not do as the years passed... I constantly need to remind myself, "One day at a time!"
I'm anxious again about this baby in my womb. On Ty's birthday, I worried about the grief I felt and if it would affect this baby. I prayed for protection over this little one that he or she would not feel the pain that day, or in days to come. Dan told me he was sure the baby would be Ok--that the baby's spirit knows Ty and understands the situation and will be prepared. I hope so... I also hope I can stop worrying about whether the heart beat is still there or not. I'll be a little over 11 weeks when I have my next baby appointment on November 2. I find myself on a daily basis expecting to see myself bleeding, or imagining what I'll do when they don't find the heart beat next week. Sometimes I want to shake myself and say, "Stop being so afraid!" But I am. I'm afraid to get attached because I keep anticipating loss.
I have to keep reminding myself to pray for faith and reassurance--to not let fear destroy the joy in this pregnancy.
Recovering and Surrendering
9 years ago
5 comments:
If I was in your situation, I'd probably be doing the same thing! It'll be nice when the baby gets bigger and you can feel it move. That'll be a nice little reminder that the baby is doing ok.
Just keep doing what you're doing and take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Beyond that, you're in Heavenly Father's hands. Trust in him and know he's taking care of you.
Oh my gosh. That is awful.
I know the feeling of wondering how little unborn babies are doing in there. I am sure yours is growing like a weed, but it is still so scary sometimes. I remember seeing those home heart beat monitors at like 25 weeks and thinking, "I wish I had known about those earlier!" Buy one for yourself for Dan's b-day! ;)
Oh dear Erica--This baby already holds a special place in your heart and in your family. Just because you are allowing that to be does not mean that Ty will be forgotten. You will love Ty with all of your heart through your entire life, and he will be there as a strength in time to come as well. This baby will have your love too...and you will be amazed at how your love can be so equal to them. You are so beautiful, and your dream is so real...the feelings you are having now remind me of what I went through. It was so very hard.
Erica,
Sorry you had that dream. Isn't it crazy how the mind messes with you while you are sleeping?! I get so frustrated when I have dreams like that. (Not that I have had a dream like that one. But you know what I mean.) You can rest assured that Ty will never be forgotten. I remember your dad's sweet words at the funeral, talking about how your other children will think of Ty with great fondness. One of my other friends who had a baby who died, made a picture book of the baby, so that their other children could know that child. I thought that was a good idea.
I also know what you mean about being paranoid of losing the baby. My whole pregnancy, I would expect to find blood every time I went to the restroom. Every horror story I heard, I just expected that was going to happen to me. I was always afraid that the baby's heartbeat wouldn't be there any more and then greatly relieved after each doctor's visit to hear the heartbeat and have that reassurance once again. I think all of those feelings/thoughts are normal (unless we are both abnormal!). :D But someone told me, you can worry yourself sick over everything. Or you can choose not to worry unless you have a good reason to start worrying. So I would try to remind myself of that throughout my pregnancy, but those fears were always in the back of my mind. I would rather go with the thought, that we are both "normal," and that we need to try to keep control over our thoughts. There are many praying for you and your family. I love you!
I had terrible dreams when I was pregnant. I don't know why that is. I am sorry you had such a horrible dream.
On a lighter note, what a fantastic party you threw for your hubby even though you were sick. Poor girl! What a good wife you are.
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