Year Two

Saturday turned out to be a good day, after all. Despite my "Dumbo" melt-down, where I kept crying off and on for a couple hours post-blog entry, I didn't shed any sad tears on March 10th. In fact, I felt quite happy. I spent the morning at a stake Relief Society birthday celebration (mostly trying to keep Aiyana entertained throughout the program) and then Dan and I attended the temple in the afternoon. Our Bishop's wife had volunteered to babysit Aiyana so we could do that, which was so kind and thoughtful. Dan and I were excited to continue the temple work that Jen and Rusty had started for my Thai grandparents, and we went through an endowment session on their behalf. This was my first time doing work for my own blood relatives, and it was especially important to me since they were my mom's parents. I never met my Thai grandma but I do remember a few occasions as a child spending some time with my Khun Thaa.

I really wanted to be attentive and in tune with the Spirit, but I was so incredibly tired! It didn't help that I was experiencing achy-flu like symptoms, so I was a little bit distracted with not feeling well. However, after passing through the veil, I felt growing excitement every step I took towards the Celestial room. By the time I entered the room, this surge of happiness hit me and I was beaming with a giant smile on my face. I felt so giddy and happy, like I could laugh out loud. In fact, I did start to laugh quietly, and I couldn't control myself! I felt a little goofy because I knew I had this huge grin on my face, and accidentally made eye contact with another woman in the room who looked like she was having a much more serious, somber experience. She didn't smile back at me , but I couldn't wipe the smile off my face if I wanted to. It was so weird! When Dan sat with me, it was all I could do to contain myself. I felt like a child who really needed to be reverent but was just hit with a bad case of the giggles.

I am usually calm, quiet, and more serious when I enter the Celestial room, so I feel like it was not me -- that I was feeling my Khun Yai's energy or emotions or something.We already believe Khun Yai accepted the gospel when Jen and Rusty baptized her, so I'm not surprised that I felt so good going through for her endowments. Dan didn't necessarily feel anything different. He was happy to go through for Khun Thaa but didn't have any "ah-ha" moments or anything, but at least it's done for both if they want it.

I didn't specifically feel Ty's spirit near me, so I don't know if he was there or not . . . but I do know I felt peace again just like last year. Perhaps it's one in the same, I'm not sure. Either way, this year was considerably easier than last year. Having Aiyana with me helps so much. She is my healing grace! I've decided that I CAN believe it's been two years. In fact, I feel like it's been substantially longer. It feels like it's been years and years since I've held Ty, but it's good in a way. I could not bear the pain if it felt so fresh every day. Sometimes that's the power behind "time heals".

 

 

My friend, Kalee, visited Ty's grave for me. It was special because we've been corresponding for a year now, since her 4-month-old boy passed away last year, one day before Ty's 1-year-anniversary. I'm grateful for the relationship we've developed from simply emailing back and forth and sharing the burden of loss and healing.  

 Her little girl, Adilyn, let go balloons for Ty.

I miss the cemetery; however, I have realized that what everybody told me is true: I have found Ty in Las Vegas after all, or he found us. I have felt him close one specific time in the temple a couple months ago, and I feel him often in Aiyana's nursery. Sometimes it's just that my thoughts are closer to him, so he may not necessarily be there. . . but the nursery has become what the cemetery used to be for me: Just a quiet, peaceful place where the Spirit can speak to me (or where I can occasionally sense Ty close). For me, it does feel different than any other room in the house. Aiyana, too, is incredibly happy in there. When she wakes from her naps, I often go in there and get her 20-30 minutes after she has woken up because she is just content to lay there and babble. I'm so grateful that the nightmare that tainted Ty's nursery has not followed me into Aiyana's sanctuary.

 

 

Sometimes I think too far ahead and wonder things like, "Will I write a post every year for his death anniversary? Will I let go balloons on his birthday for as long as I live?" I forget that there is not a right or wrong answer. For instance, during Christmas, only after hanging up the stockings did I realize I did not buy one for Ty. "Should I have?" I asked my friend, Lisa. She gave me some great advice. She said if I had thought to buy one for him then I should have, but the fact that I didn't think about it, probably means I'm ok not to. She told me to just go with my instinct. So that's what I'm going to do: just go with my gut when it comes to including Ty or writing about him or not. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but I feel myself healing every day that passes to where I don't need to process every sad thought through writing. I am grateful for that also.