Missing my little Ty-Guy

Ty's been on my mind a lot this past week, especially the last couple days. I continue to see Aiyana grow and develop and I feel so much love for her every day, even despite the short-lived frustration she can sometimes be! But watching her grow, I can't help but think about how Ty would be at this age -- or in a couple months, the age of 3.

I've said before the nursery has become a spiritual sanctuary where my thoughts are safe to think of him. I love the last couple minutes of putting Aiyana to bed when I get to sing her a few verses of primary songs. She sucks on her binky  and blinks and rubs sleepy eyes while burying her head into my shoulder. . . and I rock and sing softly, closing my eyes while my head rests against hers. Sometimes she nuzzles in so her head rests just under my chin, fitting so perfectly. And I smile and continue to sing and feel that beautiful peace that comes with those words and music, the nursery dim and serene.

I've had the thought often in the past, and more so lately, wondering if Ty purposely stops by during bedtime so he can hear me sing. Not that my voice is something to wonder at . . . but I just remember those sweet times we had together when I'd hold him and sing and he'd look up at me and smile his big, gummy grin, his eyes lighting up like Aiyana's do when she's amused or excited.  Their eyes are different but so the same . . .

The singing is such a strong connection piece for me and Ty, and now for Aiyana, that his Spirit absorbs my thoughts in those moments, and I miss him and wonder how often he can come visit these days. He knows I am doing so well that I don't know if he has time to come often like he used to. I don't know how much freedom Ty has to come and go as he pleases anyway. But I know he's around from time to time.

I'm sure I'm thinking more about him because of hearing more baby-losses last week.  Between Pawnee's friend and a woman in my ward, two babies died at 37 weeks of pregnancy because of a cord-issue. It's so hard to understand why those things happen, and I know God doesn't cause everything, though he is aware of all that will happen and may not intervene. Sometimes sad, bad things just happen and we just have to do our best to work with God to deal with them. Neither of these women are LDS so it was a little harder writing letters to them because the things that brought me comfort they don't know about. How even harder that would be not to have the knowledge that we do in the Gospel.

As my mind tends to do, I worry for my own pregnancy. I haven't come out and told everyone yet, even though I'm 12 weeks along now! I get to hear the heart-beat next week. Sometimes, despite feeling mildy nauseous every evening and occasionally during the day, I don't feel pregnant and I don't feel super attached yet (or so I am telling myself). In the back of my mind, I know I'm thinking I don't want to feel connected yet in case something happens. I just want to hear the heart-beat I guess . . . but even then, I know my fears won't end, especially with the latest cord-deaths, something none of us have any control over. (ugh, that "control"-factor again!) Time to work on that faith and positive attitude again. When I first became pregnant, I said that even though it's not my usual, "M.O.", I'll just assume everything is OK until it's not. So I've broken that rule and need to get back on it.

Hopefully, I'll have a fun pregnancy update next week.