No Control

My mind is so heavily weighed down right now on a topic that has been reoccurring in my discussions with friends for the past few months. There is progressive talk about members leaving the church, including just recently the husband of a very good friend of mine. My heart breaks for her to hear the word "anti-Mormon" within her household. My spirit is depressed that I can do nothing to change the minds of those who decide they no longer have a testimony -- who think the church is simply an organization of man with problems with its history. It is out of my control. How I hate things out of my control . . .

When people who are familiar to me and who I trust change their minds on something I so fervently believe in, I can't help but feel a bit shaken. My testimony is in tact more than ever, but like after an earthquake, there is residual tremors that scare me when I hear these things and leave a touch of effect.

I know the church is true. As a child, I did not have a defining moment that I could point to -- only lots of small experiences that allowed my testimony to grow. I used to envy converts in a way that they could point to when they knew the church is true and became baptized. But when Ty passed away, that became my conversion moment -- when all the gospel principles I had learned about wrapped around me and suddenly made sense. I have always believed; have seemingly always had a testimony and know it is a Gift -- but in Ty's passing, I became converted in true understanding about the Great Plan of Happiness, the Atonement, an undeniably present Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and a Spirit World so close that I could not, cannot, deny its existence. . . The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints teaches all these things. The gospel and the church go hand-in-hand. How someone can lose sight of that . . . my heart breaks.

Dan and I spoke heavily of this last night, so at a loss for our friends. Dan mentioned Lehi's dream in the Book of Mormon and how even some of those who tasted of the fruit turned off the path. It was a warning then and it is coming to pass now.

Devastating.

I feel kind of mad, kind of angry. Why do people read anti-Mormon literature? Doubting and destroying faith is SO easy. It's cowardly. That kind of literature and breaking down and debating questions that we don't have all the answers to is completely an intellectual, science-based conversation. The gospel is not science! It's spiritual and it is personal. We're not supposed to have all the answers or else this life would not be a test. There was a talk last general conference (and I need to find out who said it because I keep finding myself referencing it), but the idea was that we do not know everything, but we need to rely on the testimonies that we DO have. And I just feel like if we are reading the Book of Mormon, attending the temple, and praying and doing all the things that we have been taught to do, then it's ok to have questions and to present them to God. It's not fair to come to a decision without doing those things.

Ugh. I want to cry. I am crying.

Sorry if this is depressing. But I am kind of depressed about this and I just need to write it all down and get it out of my head, and now go read my own scriptures and pray and see what comes of it because I am at such a loss of what to do for my friends and acquaintances who are going down this dangerous road.