Happy 3rd Birthday, Baby

Dear Ty,

This week with your approaching birthday, I could feel the emotions building up off and on, though I never know exactly how I will feel when the actual "anticipated day" arrives. This morning was harder than I imagined it would be.

I turned on my Josh Groban-type music on Pandora, loving the beautiful music that always resonates from that station. I teared up making blueberry muffins for breakfast, adding in the blue food-dye just to make the muffins look more fun, like perhaps I would if you were here as a three-year-old. (Really, they just looked more "interesting" in the end . . . ) Aiyana fussed over the unwanted banana chunks on her tray and as I sat beside her, the first tears of the morning fell. She looked at me curiously before letting out an upset cry, looking all the more confused when I cried hard for a few moments.

"It's ok, Aiya. Mommy just misses Ty today." I wiped my tears, wondering what kind of day it would turn out to be.

Your dad was still sleeping upstairs (he's had such a hard, long week that I told him to sleep-in until 9 AM if he could.), so Aiyana and I continued to listen to music. When I played Grandpa Rock's playlist that he put together specifically for you after you passed away (songs that he listened to during those times when he baby-sat you, including Josh G.), I wept with such sadness while sitting with Aiyana on the floor, looking at the rotating images of you on the digital frame. My tears fell so hard -- harder and louder than they have in a while -- and I upset your sister again. She didn't understand, and I felt bad, but I couldn't stop. I felt a loss for who you could be right now in my life, wondering about your personality and how good looking of  a little boy you would continue to be. You were such a beautiful baby . . . I wonder all the time what you look like now as a "mature spirit".

Despite the difficult emotions, my day improved. We met our friends at the park to let go your birthday balloons: One special "Happy Birthday" balloons, three orange ones to signify your 3rd birthday, and a handful of blue balloons. Like last year, we wrote a few things on them: favorite features, phrases that remind us of you . . . Letting the balloons go was peaceful as it always is. It's such a beautiful time of year here in Las Vegas and especially in the park.

 

 

 

Dimples; Tied for 2nd Favorite; Aiya, Mom & Dad love you! Say hi to Grandpa; Remember When It Rained; Laughter in Your Eyes; Your smile. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There's a song I came across not long ago written by Taylor Swift that breaks my heart but the words are so applicable. I am saddened for the little boy it was written for, a little boy named Ronan who died of cancer. The words make me sad for me, too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS7JrI-JPOc

I remember your bare feet
Down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor
Plastic dinosaurs
I love you to the moon and back

I remember your blue eyes
Looking into mine
Like we had our own secret club
I remember your dancing before bedtime
Then jumping on me waking me up
I can still feel you hold my hand
Little man
And even in the moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I, leaned in and whispered to you
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

**I remember the drive home
When the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming why
Flowers pile up in the worst way
No one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died
And its about to be halloween
You could be anything
You wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
And I whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
And this hospital grey will just disappear

**What if I'm standing in your closet
Trying to talk to you?
And what if I kept your hand-me-downs
You won't grow in to?
And what if I really thought some miracle
Would see us through?
And what if the miracle was even getting
One moment with you?

I remember your bare feet
Down the hallway
I love you to the moon and
Back. . .

Two-and-a-half years into this, I don't feel the hurt and loss as often; I don't feel the need to therapeutically write as much. But when I do -- when I pause long enough to fall into it, the pain is just as deep. Maybe not like that first day -- nothing can compare to that first day, trying to face and accept it all. . . But I still feel something close to it some days: The shock; the loss of what could have been; your sweet face that I wish would grow older and cuter every day before my eyes instead of frozen in time within pictures; your role as an older brother here on earth. . .

But I'll get you back one day. There will always be comfort in that, even if I feel impatient some days waiting for a life-time to hold and hug you again.

Happy Birthday, Ty. Life still goes on, and I'm grateful for that. We are so blessed and feel God and the gospel working in our lives all the time.

 

 

 

 

This series of pictures makes me laugh:

 

 

 

 

 

Ty, you're still in our thoughts every single day. Your dad requested we watch your video tonight. It was hard but the memories are special as we remember how our home felt, our first as parents. So many firsts with you. We were so happy. . . and we are again still. Just missing you though.

Love you more than words.