Aaron's First Week

At the Hospital

During Aaron's first day, the nurses were concerned about Aaron's body temperature. Even when I was holding him skin-to-skin, his temperature kept dropping below normal. They put him under the heating lamp a few times to get him nice and toasty. I was a little scared when the second nurse talked to us about it after examining Aaron in the nursery. She entered our room with a somewhat forlorn expression as she said quietly, "We're really concerned about his temperature. It's not good and we just don't know why he's not keeping his body heat up." She wasn't making much eye contact when she explained with the same somber voice and expression that it can be sign of infection, and she referenced the possibility of Strep B, which was a likely possibility because I had received maybe five-ten minutes of antibiotics through IV.

 

When I asked (in my best effort to act nonchalant like I wasn't concerned) if it was treatable, she said yes, "usually", and said the baby would have to be in the NICU for 7-10 days. When she left the room, I could feel anxiety creeping into my chest. Instinctively, my thoughts turned to worst-case scenario and I wondered what I would do if my seemingly perfect, healthy little boy were to die from Strep B. I knew it was unlikely, but the fact that Dan and I had fallen into that "unlikely" category before made me feel insecure. Dan could see it on my face and hear the bit of fear I tried to hide in my voice. I told him if it wasn't a big deal, the nurse should not speak to us in that tone. He told me everything would be ok and went to talk to the nurse.

 

When he came back, he told me had a good conversation with that same nurse, explaining to her that we'd lost a son three years ago. That being said, he needed her to understand the importance of explaining things straight with us, and being appropriate in the tone she used because of the implications that can have. She was teary-eyed and totally seemed to understand and she apologized, trying to calm any undue worry she had caused. After that, she made extra efforts to check in on us and Aaron's temperature, and her demeanor was much more friendly and upbeat. We realized that it was probably just her timid personality that contributed to the way she had spoken to us initially. From that point on, we felt better and Aaron's temperature continued to improve into the next day. We did have to wait on the blood cultures to get back to see if he indeed had Strep B, but the rest of the blood tests had come back normal so we weren't too worried about it. We ended up staying in the hospital from Thursday morning until Saturday around noon. Despite the nice nurses and facility and decent food (and Carrie, you were right -- the "celebration" fillet Mignon, sparkling cider and desserts were delicious!), we were ready to go home! I missed my little Aiza-Paiza girl, and was antsy to get out of that hospital bed!

 

Day 3, still a little swollen and very sleepy

 

We're Home!
We were so excited to walk into our home and having Aiyana greet us with hugs and excitement. . . and then from that point on, it was lots and lots of screeching and screaming at the top of her lungs! Not constantly, but frequently throughout the entire day and night for the next week or so, she would just screech at us, her mouth wide as can be and her blue eyes intense and angry. At first, this obnoxious behavior was mostly directed at my mom when she tried to interact with her at all, especially if I was in the same room. Then she started doing it a lot to me, as well. The beautiful, smooth relationship that my mom had with her while we were at the hospital seemed to go out the window as soon as I got home! I felt really bad because my mom worked so hard and was only kind to her. Aiya would let her chase her around and loved that, but as soon as they were done, it was back to "ahhhhh!! Nooo!!!" What a stinker.

On a more positive note, she loves Aaron -- but not too much. I was sure she would be obsessively in his face all day long. Turns out, she loves to smoosh his face with a long kiss ("mmmMMMM-AHHHH!") and touch his head and face, especially if I'm trying to nurse. But if I have him on the table or laying in another room, it's "out of sight, out of mind" and she doesn't go looking for him. She doesn't seem jealous towards him but she was definitely acting out for negative attention in a major way! Now that we're into week 2, she's doing MUCH better and has a great time with Khun Yai again.

At least these are intense, HAPPY screams!

 

 

One Week Old

 

Lack of Anxiety

I am so beyond grateful for the absence of anxiety! I prepared myself for the expected nervousness of having a newborn and was not looking forward to the constant checking and fear, but I was hopeful it at least wouldn't be quite as bad as with Aiyana.

 

I am beyond amazed at how light and happy I feel. With having a newborn and especially a boy, there were so many emotions that I assumed I'd experience right now. What I didn't expect was this peace and calm in my life that Aaron has brought into our family. I have not been super emotional about Ty, (even when we've all called Aaron "Ty" a couple of times each) and I am able to sleep when Aaron's sleeping without waking up every 15 minutes to check his breathing. With Aiyana, that impossibly heavy weight of anxiety made me literally expect to find her dead every time I checked on her -- especially during those first few days home. While I occasionally have moments of panic about Aaron, those moments are so few and far between that I am resting well enough.

 

I did have one short-lived nightmare a few nights ago where I heard Dan scream to me, "Baby!" The anguish in his voice mimicked the relentless cries I used to hear from him during the early weeks of Ty's passing. In my dream, my stomach turned as I saw  Dan running towards me with Aaron in his arms. I knew he was dead, just like Ty, and there was nothing we could do about it but wail, "No! No no no no!" like I did at the hospital. The nightmare was only a minute but it was the most intense reliving of the worst day of my life. When I awoke, relief surged through me as I caught my breath. That was the only bad night so far.

 

Aaron sleeps anywhere from 2-4 hours at a time and I am able to take anywhere from a 20 minute nap to an hour or so when Aiyana is napping. That has been huge to get adequate rest and I am proud of myself for making myself nap because there are lots of other things I'd like to do being (like blogging today because I feel rested!).

 

My mom has been amazing. I've barely touched laundry and cannot believe how she's kept up with the endless piles (where is it all coming from??), including ironing Dan's shirts. She feeds us, clothes us, and tires Aiyana out with daily chasing around the house. The smooth transition to having two kids is largely attributed to her extra hands and eyes, and I'm sad to see her go next week!