And It Begins. Break-Down #1

Well, it only took just under a month before I experienced my first "mom of two" break-down. (It hasn't even been a month??)

Today hasn't been super hard really. In fact, I got out of the house and made two stops at Kohls and Payless, utilizing the baby sling for the first time while Aiyana rode in the stroller. I was actually proud of myself for making it work and that the errands went smoothly enough. Then I had my longest nap yet -- a full hour and a half that I desperately needed and chose to indulge in, rather than the nagging thought to do some ironing. Later, we even made it out for a walk to the park across from our neighborhood.

So looking back on it all. . . I find myself asking, "What went so wrong that I bawled my eyes out before and quickly following Dan's late return from work?" I think it's just been a gradual build-up of a lot of things:
-- lack of sleep (yet I feel spoiled in naps, so I'm not sure THAT'S justified entirely)
-- frequently losing my patience with Aiyana throughout each day, to where I feel like I'm kinda mean to her! (berating myself with "Bad mom, bad mom!" thoughts)
-- sometimes feeling trapped in motherhood and not always enjoying it as much as I'd like, as it can get a little mundane some days. . . and how dare I feel that way and take it for granted when I've lost a son and would give anything to have Ty back?
-- lots of thoughts along those lines. . . It's actually not so hard juggling the two kids right now because of the sleepy-baby factor. It's more struggling with being frequently grumpy at Aiyana. I hate being mad at her and seeing her sad/mad face she does back at me. I don't want our relationship to change to this.

I commented today that I kind of feel like Christmas is over and it's back to reality! and that makes me feel bad, too, that I am not cherishing Aaron's presence in our family as much as I feel I should. In fact, I feel like I have to keep putting him down so much to get other necessary things done and he's not getting the attention he deserves. I feel too distracted yet eager for naps and bedtime.

So I know in my head a lot of this is typical of a "transitioning mother" from one to two kids. But as Dan said when he kindly listened to me and managed to say all the right things, "it doesn't make the feelings any less hard or real". I guess I thought I'd be able to by-pass this part somehow. I kept thinking again today, "so many moms do this with so many more kids! How can I possibly have any more kids if I feel this way now with just two?" I'm definitely not in the mindset to be thinking about more kids down the line!

Dan reminded me that a helpful and important tool will be making sure I have some "me" time on a regular basis. I feel a little selfish though, but at the same time, I do know it will help in the long run if I can keep up friendships and do things I enjoy outside of motherhood. So I'll see about getting one of my YW to babysit during nap time, maybe one or twice a week. Actually, once I can start going to the gym again, I think that will almost be enough. "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't just kill their husbands [or kids]." ~ Legally Blond

Now that I've had the tears and written about it, all of this seems a little silly and like, "How did I really feel that way?" Just another reminder that it's important to talk it out (or cry it out!) and all will be well again. Life is still good. I just need to work on more positive attention for Aiya.

And I love Dan for coming to my rescue tonight with the right kind of love, attention, listening ear, advice, and encouragement; and then sweeping up Aiyana with her night-time routine as I sit here holding Aaron and writing all this down. He is so good to me.