Aiyana and Aaron have some awesome times together, and it warms my heart to see them making trains, planes, or forts out of the couch cushions (although to be honest, it's taken some practice to be ok that they are messing up the living room that I just picked up...again. But they love it.) And I love the motherly way Aiyana will softly talk to Aaron as she gets him "cozy" on the couch or helps him with his food. I also love to laugh how Aaron's aggressive playfulness and how he tackles Aiya, running into her and pushing her backwards with his strength and momentum, and smiling at how Aiya squeal for help, but her eyes are bright and excited and she pushes back.
But... on a daily basis, there is a lot of fighting. A lot of high pitched screaming. A lot of dragging or distracted feet when trying to get out the door, or tears from Aiya over socks or shoes that don't fit perfectly. And when Aaron gets an idea in his head, he is so stubborn and resilient about when or how he'll get his own shoes on, too, or a particular snack he wants in a particular bowl... Their tempers can boil over from calm to scorching in two seconds, and it's unnerving and sometimes frightening. Just trying to go out and do something fun can be exhausting, and we won't have even left the house yet.
The other day, it took 45 minutes to get into the car just to go play at the park, and for some reason, Aaron didn't want to go, so he physically fought me as I battled him into his car seat kicking and screaming all the way to the park, which triggered Aiya to join in over something I can't even remember. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, having released my own shameful amount of monster-voice screaming right back at them, I parked the car and sobbed. My vocal, heavy tears finally put an end to the kids' tantrums, and their concerned voices asked if I was "fud-der-rated" (Aaron's version of "frustrated", learned from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood). I felt bad because I kept crying and Aiyana in particular sounded upset about my tears. But I couldn't stop. I felt so defeated, and not because this was one bad day, but because this is a regular occurrence. I can't handle the high pitched screaming and yelling. It is over the top! My kids are not like most kids we see. Their high energy and loud voices outmatch every other child's by impossible decimals. For some reason, my nerves get so on edge and I feel over-stimulated and I just end up losing it! -- and way more often than I'd like to admit.
I know this is all supposed to be part of motherhood. And so many moms out there have done it. I mean, that's why I thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal to have kids two years apart. It's so common it can't be that bad. And yet lately, my confidence as a mother has been shattering. I'm having a hard time imagining fitting in a third baby and being good at it.
So I scheduled a pregnancy massage yesterday, knowing that this baby is coming in the next week or so, give or take a few days, and I just need to take care of myself so I can be my best self. I absolutely loved this massage therapist named Donna from Centennial Hills Spa, so I scheduled her again. The first time she massaged me back in January, it was the best thing on earth. Everything felt incredibly relaxing and mentally, I was so relaxed and soaked it all in. This time, about half-way through I noticed that I wasn't as mentally connected to the massage this time around. Everything felt great, but my mind was running and I kept trying to tell myself to just enjoy the massage!
Donna paused a little bit later and asked if I was ok, and if I was worried about something. As a reiki specialist, which we had discussed briefly at the beginning of the massage, she said she sensed fear or a lot of concern and worry coming from me. She said I felt different this time, like I was weighed down. I thought that was pretty incredible, considering I had just noticed that myself. So I told her briefly of my motherhood woes and she asked how I thought I could shake it off and just enjoy this new baby coming. I told her I knew I needed to ask for help from family and babysitters, and just make sure I have time for myself, too. These are ideas that came from the book, The Child Whisperer (which will be a separate post to follow). So anyway, I tried to get back into the massage, trying so hard to just relax, but I somehow felt emotionally drained by the end of it. I had the feeling that Donna did something reiki-ish towards the end with how she placed her hands around my shoulders and my head... and then said she hoped I could let go of my worries. I told her I'd probably be back to try some of that reiki work down the road! I don't know a lot about it, but the feeling I got from her was similar to the experience I had when trying to get pregnant with Aiyana and had that experience of learning about my grief "trapped in my womb"...
Anyway, as she said goodbye to me, she hesitantly asked, "Were you thinking about your first born?" (I had mentioned Ty the first time we met). When she asked that, I was like, "How did you know?" and of course, I was thinking of Ty. Birth and newborns bring me back to that emotional place of love and loss, and so he was part of what was on my mind during the massage. She became teary when I did, and I just thought again how incredible it was that she somehow knew. Definitely a gift to be that attune...
So that's where I'm at with motherhood and anticipating Logan's birth. I have no reservations about him (except for the usual, for me, worry about SIDS again and potential loss). I just hope I can be calm and happy with Aiyana and Aaron and keep up with their passion and intensity! I know this is more of a downer post, but i really do love those kids, even though they can zap the life out of me during parts of the day. But they're so animated and fun, too, and I feel lucky to witness so much personality shining from them.
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