I disappeared again. Journaling went out the window, despite fresh goals LAST YEAR. I feel so sad that I lost writing about my family moments. I just can't seem to get on top of my writing goals. I have guilt, thoughts, excuses, understanding... confused where to start, so I'm just going with today:
Today the weather was amazing! We stayed home for Stake conference. One of the few great things from the Pandemic was having access to church from home. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful to be present, in person at church. I've learned that I need that consistency in my life to keep my habits close to God and Heaven. But once in a while... like Stake Conference, it was nice to sit in pajamas and hang out on the couch with Dan--instead of ushering our kids into a side-room to watch conference on a small TV screen anyway, and trying to hush them for two hours.
Afterwards, we rode our bikes as a family to Buckskin Park. I LOVE our family bike rides. We don't do them nearly enough. But I found such satisfaction today, pulling Eliana in the trailer behind me, and watching Dan plus three other little bikers weaving along the sidewalk and bike trails. The sun was out but the air cool enough as we biked. None of the kids were fighting, which is something I struggle with the most at home. (So many clashing emotions still really get to me!) The kids played at the park while Dan took each of the kids for one-on-one rides. I appreciated that extra effort on his part. We've talked a lot about each of the kids needing more connection, especially one-on-on. I desperately want each of the kids to feel loved and to have an emotionally safe home environment. This week, I asked the kids in every prayer as a family, to ask for peace and happiness in our home, and kindness in our relationships. I just want to calm the chaos that is often present. We have a great family life, but there's always a lot of moving parts and escalating emotions. Much more than I ever imagined I'd have to manage. So I told the kids we all need help, and I believe in collective prayer. So here's hoping God can do what I can't do on my own and help bring some emotional stability to our home. lol We have a lot of fun together though, lots of sweet moments and spiritual moments. I just want it to dominate the crazy parts.
SCHOOL UPDATE:
What a life-changer to have the kids all physically in school this year, including Eliana attending preschool twice a week for three hours. I got some sanity back! And the kids love Somerset. Aiya and Aaron were drawn for the lottery over the summer, and then Logan only missed a few days of school before he was accepted. I couldn't believe it all played out so well. From a FB post:
Especially because Aiya and Aaron weren't going to be with him, since they were accepted into Somerset charter school. But thankfully one of his best friends is in his class so Logan held his hand walking across the grass. 
He has come home happy so far! 
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The school culture over there is absolutely amazing. There are motivational incentives all the time for keeping up with academic challenges. There are spirit weeks every month it seems plus free dress days, Spirit shirt days, a Kindness shirt day... They really have a ton of opportunities to wear something outside the school uniform. The kids never complain about the uniforms though.
My every day life is pretty spoiled, especially compared to last year where I was swamped and drowning in academics and raging emotions from 9 AM - 3 PM every day. Man, that was so hard on all of us... truly emotionally traumatic, and there are a lot of aftermaths that we're still working through as a family: feeling heard, and staying calm, reducing over-reacting and fight-or-flight behavior. It's so heavy to me, remembering very clearly what that year felt like, and that desperate need for normalcy and escape. I'm so grateful the kids are happy this year, so involved in their own student life and soccer life.
Dan needs a post all of his own sometime to catch up on his growth as an attorney and partner. Maybe I'll save those details when I can have him help me record it all. In short, he's the most hard-working person I know, and gives his best in every area of life: family, work, church, and anyone in need. He's been sick a lot this year with colds and headaches that keep reoccurring, but he powers through.
Soccer still keeps Dan and me busy and energized in the evenings! We had to find a balance in keeping it a healthy space. Last year, I used soccer as a place of escape because I was so overwhelmed. Just this past month, I had to miss quite a few games, including two weeks straight of missing my 4 games a week... that sounds like a lot when I type it out. Lol (One on monday, two thursday, one friday) I was struggling with really bad sciatic pain for months and didn't want to give it up. While attending physical therapy, I finally committed to taking two weeks off and it made the hugest difference, finally, to let my body heal instead of simply manage the pain until the next game. What I realized was that it wasn't that big of a deal to miss the games. I would attend in normal clothes and still get my social time... but I no longer had that desperate need for the adrenaline rush, self-esteem boost and endorphins that I craved last year to get me through my week. Soccer was definitely an addictive coping skill last year, and I'm happy to announce that I've found better balance in myself recently.
So much to say. Hopefully catching up on birthday next post.
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