I've been struggling the last few days... I have found myself crying at least a little, if not a torrential amount, on a daily basis. My "grief bucket" is filling up faster than normal and I don't understand it and I don't like it. I feel like I'm weakening... and under attack. A heaviness is building inside me and I'm trying to let it out, but I'm afraid of the relentless emotions.
Last night, I prayed and was feeling frustrated about one particular thing I have been asking of the Lord. I felt I should pull out my scriptures - the bible in particular. So, half-heartedly, I flipped them open and they fell on John 15. My eyes were drawn to verses 9-14. I could hear Christ's voice in my head as I read the words about love and friendship.
9) As the father has loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.
10) If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love.
11) These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
12) This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
13) Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
14) Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.
While still feeling my disappointment in the lack of answer that I wanted, I could feel a sense of love emanating from the scriptures. I knew in that moment that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were saying, "We're still here. And we love you." While it did not cure me of this "blah" state I've been feeling off and on throughout these past few days, there was still a sense of comfort given to me - to know They are still aware of my pain and needs. I guess that will have to be enough for now.
Recovering and Surrendering
9 years ago
4 comments:
Hey Erica, again I was reminded of the scripture you shared with me and also a topic that was touched on at stake conference. Remaining close to the Lord and feeling peace is a constant effort on our part. We cannot rely on past experiences to carry us through, we must make them daily. I know how tiring and emotionally draining it can be but you must keep at it! Im glad you followed your prompting to turn to the scriptures. Keep allowing Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ into your heart every single day. You are doing a great job. I love you and hope that you continue to feel the Lord's love poured out upon you. And if you havent already, you may want to think about getting that blessing. It may be a little boost that you need. xoxo Jamie
I'm glad Dan's done with finals, and he can now spend more time with you. I can't imagine the range of emotions you must feel on a daily basis, especially when your bucket fills. You guys are in my prayers, always.
You are such a positive influence. Reading your blog makes me stronger. I can relate to the blah feeling for sure. Maybe not feeling blah for the same reasons. I am glad that you could find a little comfort in the scriptures.
P.S. WAY TO GO ON YOUR CONFERENCE!!!! YOU GO GIRL!
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