3 Months Old

This post is all about 3-month-old Aiyana. To start, there will be lots and lots of pictures because I couldn't decide which ones I liked best! (I'm sad about the blurry ones but I was making faces at her and snapping pictures without looking)

THE MANY FACES OF AIYANA

 This scowl cracks me up. She didn't like the flash while I was clicking away at her expense.

 These smiles melt my heart...and I can't help but let out giddy laughter at how much I love her faces, which results in me grabbing her and munching her cute little body at rapid speed. This only makes her smile even bigger, perhaps with a little laugh, which perpetuates our playful cycle!

 Oh, Baby Girl! What is this expression??

Aiyana has not rolled over yet, though she has started stretching out and rolling partly onto her left-side when lying on her back. When Dan, Aiyana, and I were lying in bed one morning, (Dan and I not as ready to wake up as Aiyana was) Aiyana kept maneuvering onto her side, stretching out her arm and swiping at Dan's face. She just wanted his attention! Cute morning moments like this help me appreciate the early hour.

 I've been trying to encourage Aiyana to play on her tummy. She's not a fan but she's getting stronger.

 "Are you looking at ME?"

"ARRRGH! I HATE TUMMY-TIME!"

 She's also started grabbing the rings and paying attention to the toys hanging on her car seat. She didn't care about or even notice them until a couple weeks ago. It's been a life-saver because she had started becoming a car-seat screamer and that is so hard to listen to! Since moving to Vegas, she actually has not had any huge fits in the car. (But I'm also not in the car much these days)

 

My most favorite smile of hers ever.

While I was snapping pictures of Aiyana this morning, I distinctly remembered taking pictures of Ty in this very position at this very age. I don't know how, but strangely enough, I caught an expression that vividly reminded me of Ty. I could see his green hoodie outfit in my head.

Their mouths and nose look the same here! It makes me so happy to see the similar face Aiyana and Ty are making in these two pictures. I could just feel those moments I had with Ty, and it felt like something special I could share with both of them. It's strange knowing I only have a month-and-a-half left before I can't make these photo comparisons anymore. I miss my boy so much at times. But Aiyana makes it better. 

ANXIETY CHECK-IN

Here we are at three months. Dan and I can go longer than five minutes without checking on Aiyana when she is asleep. We're proud of ourselves when we make it to thirty minutes, though often times it's still every twenty. But there's a huge difference between now and when she was first-born. When I checked on her as a newborn, I truly believed I would find her dead, over and over again. Now I check her more like how any mom checks her baby -- just checking to check, and ultimately, I believe she is fine. Some days are better than others. A couple times a day, I still lose faith as I walk into the dark room to see if Aiyana is all right. Sometimes I hold my breath, my heart starts pounding and I hate that moment when I look over the edge of her bed... My mind races, imagining how I will react, what I will scream...I try not to look at her face first. Always, my hand reaches for her tummy to feel the comforting up and down of her breaths, and then I release the air, sighing with such relief, and see how peacefully she is sleeping, with her eyes shut and her lips tightly pulled together because she more than likely spit out her pacifier.

Looking at her face makes me the most anxious because that's what I saw first when I found Ty, and I will never be able to get that image out of my head. Finding him seems to have a more lasting traumatic effect than the grief of not having him here. I've come to terms that Ty is home with Heavenly Father. I'm happy and doing well and truly feel peace. However, it's still remembering that morning, and the sudden raw emotions of shock, disbelief, heart-ache from the moments when a harsh reality struck... realizing that I could do nothing to change the fact that my son was torn from my life. My body trembles inside even still. I wish I could forget it. Bury it deep and leave it behind so it can stop following me and sneaking into my happiness. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I've decided to make more effort to pray daily, repeatedly through the day, for help. I think I've made such huge progress that I'm ignoring the smaller remnants that I still need to deal with, and I've become lazier with relying on the Lord as much as I used to. I wonder... can He really help me make the emotions of that morning disappear? I experienced it only that one day on Ty's one-year-anniversary of his passing when I sat in the cemetery, and thoughts of that morning flew through my mind without those feelings. I was in awe. It was a merciful day for me that I wish I could experience every day.

I'm so grateful for Aiyana, so happy to hold her, play with her, care for her and learn her mannerisms. I'm so excited to see her grow.

MORE ON HER 3 MONTH DEVELOPMENT

• Her hair is growing! Still just feels like moss but that cute head of hair she had at birth is making a slow come-back!
• She is so easy at bed-time. I swaddle her, offer the pacifier, sing her 2-3 primary songs with all the verses I can remember while caressing her head, and lay her down in her bed even if she's not totally asleep. She usually seems happy to soothe herself into those final moments of sleep. She sleeps solidly for 5-6 hours, from 8pm-2:30am. I feed her, and then she easily falls back asleep...but then from 2:30am until 6 or 7am, she may wake up multiple times needing the pacifier, gas issues, or wanting me to bring her to bed with me. We're still fighting on the last issue off and on because I don't want her in our bed!
• Main primary songs I sing to her: "I Love to See the Temple", "I Love to Read the Holy Scriptures", "I am a Child of God, "Teach Me To Walk in the Light", "A Child's Prayer". (In Jersey, Sandra was walking around with her during sunday school. As soon as she heard the primary children singing, she fell asleep!)
• She's a wonderful napper. We follow a flexible schedule that includes one short morning nap of 40 minutes, followed by afternoon naps. If swaddled she sleeps 3-4 hours! Not swaddled, about 1-2 hour chunks of time, twice.
• Her hands and feet are always clammy! She gets that from her dad, no joke. Growing up, Dan's brothers called him, "Moisty Mittens". uggh.
• We're estimating ~14lbs these days!

Fun times up ahead.