Goodbyes

Dan completed the Bar over a week and  half ago! That night, he said to me, "I get to sleep in right? But nothing too crazy, though...like 'till noon." He got mad at me when I laughed, assuming he had to be joking! But he did sleep in all right, and I did not say a word. Poor guy was exhuasted! I can't believe he tested for 16 hours in 2 1/2 days.

We had a few days to relax together and hang out, and then this last week it was crazy packing for Las Vegas. Considering most of our belongings are all ready in storage, I was astonished at how long it still took. We sure do accumulate lots of stuff! We put more of our belongings in storage, and a closet full of items that might be harmed in the heat (like photos, decorations...), and then Dan packed the car to its absolute max capacity, leaving me a nice, "cozy" seat next to baby girl -- in part to help soothe her, since she's started hating her car seat as of late and I can't bear hearing her worked up screaming hysterically -- but also because Dan could stash more of our belongings in the front seat, giving him just enough room to see out his side of the windshield. I should have taken a picture of it, and am slightly surprised we didn't get pulled over by a cop!

I've been saying good-bye to so many friends and family over the last couple weeks. I hadn't cried yet, though I felt myself on a verge of flooding tears every time I thought about leaving Ty, but I kept pushing it away. I shed some tears with two of my best friends, Lisa and Jamie, and many, many hugs... Ryan, Emily, and Addie spent the night so we could have one last sleep-over and gaming night of "Settlers" (which consists of hours of bantering and junk-food) so we were able to say good-bye to them Saturday morning. As we were hugging, it didn't seem real yet, so I was thinking, "ok, maybe this isn't so bad..." Then Ryan popped back into the house one last time, having forgotten something, and gave me one more heart-felt hug... and that started the tears for both of us. Pat and Lynette came down and met us for a late lunch at Red Robin with my dad. I was so happy they made the long drive from Woods Cross. I really love my family. Every single one of them (and I'm including my in-laws) are amazing people and we have so much fun together. At times I've taken it for granted having them right here with me in Utah all these years.

Lisa, Jamie, and I at my all-time favorite cafe: ZUPAS! Best place for any girls-outing.

The hardest good-bye of all was bringing flowers and a pin-wheel to Ty. At first, Dan, Aiyana, and I sat quietly and peacefully beside his headstone, wiping it clean, picking at over-grown grass, and adding the flowers... It was a gorgeous day, the cemetery glowing with sunlight as usual, so green and manicured. Aiyana sat extraordinarly quiet and calm in her car-seat beside me. Dan and I thought quietly to ourselves with watery eyes, just reflecting on life and memories of our boy. I held Aiyana's little hand with my right, linked my left arm around Dan's, and rested my left hand on Ty's headstone. This is my family, I thought. Dan, me, and our two beautiful babes. I imagined Ty at his toddler age, still in disbelief that he could be such a big-boy with us right now.

Then it was time to go. I stood up, looked down at his headstone one more time, and fell apart. My voice broke with pained tears. "I don't want to leave him here!" Dan swept me into a hug, crying, "I don't either!" and we sobbed together. Then I said, "We should sing, Taumfai." We sat down again, holding hands with Aiyana and Dan began to sing. I tried to join him, but like our final moments with Ty at the hospital, I could only listen and weep while Dan sang with tearful strength. I looked at our precious daughter and how much she resembles Ty when she smiles so big at us, remembering all of Ty's baby moments and feeling that loss all over again. By the chorus of the song, I joined Dan, the words and music eventually calming our tears in the second verse. At last, we felt some peace return and we were able to say one final good-bye.

We drove away with our favorite Josh Groban song playing, the one that reminds us of laying Ty to rest on that rainy, cold day in March, 17 months ago... and the one that helps us remember he is our strength and our prize in the end. (Mosiah 4:27)

"Remember When it Rained" ~ Josh Groban

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.

Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
I felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the water I remain
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down
Running down

 Our little beauty

with her daddy