Ty's Box

Part of nesting this pregnancy involved the desire to go through Ty's box of clothing. I've been thinking about it for months but waiting . . . for the right moment? I don't know. But I've felt ready for quite some time, though Dan and I never seemed able to coordinate the desire to do it, even though the plan was to do it together.

 

One afternoon during nap time, I tentatively opened the box and came across a a grocery bag filled with letters. I couldn't help but sit and ready through many of them. The experience prompted this post that I put on Facebook:

 

In this last stage of crazy-nesting, I've gone through some of Ty's belongings. Today I came across a bag full of "sympathy cards" from so many of you-- cards sincerely expressing love, concern and support, and many attached to flowers, cds, books, money, poems, etc. I was overwhelmed with sad memories of that time near Ty's funeral, but that feeling was compensated by such gratitude remembering how many people came together for us.

This is not a post longing for sympathy, but rather, one of GRATITUDE. My heart is so full and I wish I could say a personal thank you to everyone all over again. Thank you isn't enough, but it's what I feel and I hope this post finds all of you, my family and friends. Know that every small act of service you do for someone else always makes an impact and is remembered forever.

 

I also came across some printed photos that my mom took with her camera. The copies have been sitting in this bag for almost three years, so it had been a while since I'd seen them. Many of them are similar to ones I all ready have, but some are new. Some are only slightly different than the ones taken on my camera or with my dad's phone, but I loved seeing even one new picture of Ty that I haven't memorized from my collection.

 

Loved and grieved over:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I cried heavy tears flipping through the photos. But part way through, I realized that most of those tears were because I grieved for how difficult that time was. The thought kept coming to mind that I was more sad for how it felt back then than for the present. Life is truly happy now and I feel so blessed and have so much.

But I felt sorry for the young couple we were, so blissfully ignorant of the pain we would experience in 4.5 months that would age us beyond our years. We were so happy and so new at parenthood, taking each "first" one moment at a time. Life was beautiful for our brand new little family.

But as I said above, the tears dried quickly and I felt swallowed up in gratitude, in awe of how much love and peace found our souls. Family and friends cannot be repaid for their presence in our lives.

Last week, I sunk deeper into Ty's belongings and went through his clothes. I've been wondering which clothes I would feel ok using again, knowing specific ones that I could not. I knew I could make the moment casual and not a big deal if I put on a movie and just treated it like an assignment. But part of me wanted to offer reverence, so I put it on while listening to the birthing music I used with Aiyana, the same music I will be using for this baby's birth. It's called "Land of Forever" by a group called 2002, and helps me feel the Spirit.

Holding Ty's 4 month clothes in my arms, I cradled them against me and cried, feeling how big he was and remembering how his face would nuzzle into mine; his beautiful eyes and grin, and all our hopes and expectations for life. The experience was difficult, to say the least, as I mourned his memories. But the steps were necessary for me and I needed the healthy tears to leave me so I could move one step further. It was a good cry.

I was surprised how many clothes I actually felt ok re-using -- or at least, that I think I'll feel ok reusing. I won't know until I try and put them on this baby. But there were some items that I want to preserve to capture Ty's growth, from how itty-bitty he was and how he stained his clothes with spit up, to the favorite 3-6 months items that he last wore.

There were a lot of older clothing inside Ty's box, 18-24 months that I'd been so excited for him to wear one day. I put those aside to be used in the future, though I felt a little torn doing so. But no reason not to use them.

So that's done and I'm feeling good again.