Three Minus One =

Aiya's first day is tomorrow! You know I'm feeling a lot when I'm making time to write about it. It's so momentous I have to document it.

She met her teacher last Friday. Aiya was really shy and quiet, hiding behind me. It took her a little bit to get familiar with the classroom and check out the little playground (which she disdainfully rated as unsatisfactory. But I don't blame her. There's not much to it unfortunately). She played with the dolls on the rug, taking all the pink and white ones, so we talked about sharing and taking turns, since there's going to be 17 other girls in the class! And maybe six boys. I'm confident she'll make friends. In any other setting, whether the gym childcare or jump house, birthday parties... she asserts herself and can often be heard saying, "My name is Aiya. I'm 5. Want to be my friend?" I love it. She has some leadership skills (occasionally viewed as bossy!) that I know will come in handy, and while she is not confident when put in the spotlight, she's confident with her peers.

We had our first "mean girl" conversation when her two friends, Brooklyn and Taylor, were over to play (for one of their final play dates!). Taylor Hardy doesn't come over often, and apparently told Brooklyn that "Aiya is ugly." Brooklyn, being one of Aiya's best friends, told Aiya and she, very offended, told me. But what I liked was that Aiya wasn't upset because she believed it to be true. Not in the least. She was just mad that Taylor said it because "that's rude." I'm so glad she did not internalize the comment!

So i had a two minute sit-down with the girls about talking nicely and still being friends, even if we get upset with each other sometimes. (Taylor said her brothers call her ugly, so there's something else going on there for her)

ANYWAY... I'm eager to see how Aiya does! I think she will love it, though she'll have a hard time saying bye to me. She loves to be out and about, but some days, she feels very attached and will cry or pout until I'm out the door. Then she's over it and has fun. She's been like that since she was a toddler! "She just puts on a show for you," my friend, Jo Tyra would say when she would watch her for me. Makes me feel better that I know she'll get over feeling sad once I drop her off.

I did buy us matching heart necklaces. The lockets have three stripes, pink, navy, purple, that remind me of rainbow colors. Aiya is all about rainbows right now and hearts, of course. Plus, she understands the significance (mostly) to being my Rainbow Baby. So I"m going to give the new necklace to her right before I leave her classroom, letting her know that I'll be wearing the matching one so we can think about each other all day. She will love it!

The boys will be home with a sitter so when I get home... Tomorrow is day 1 with cutting back to two kids! It's been 18 months since I've had that luxury. I think it's going to be very good for my emotions. I haven't liked the amount of anger and overwhelmed feelings I've experienced this past year. It's really been tough, and I'm hoping I can manage myself better. I need to be better, for their sake and mine. I never knew I could be such a frustrated person! It's been hard for me not being able to focus on getting one thing done throughout the day. It's a little here and there because of intervening fights or asked to "come see, come see!" or bathroom accidents or food or spills... Being such a check-list doer, I've realized over this time that not being able to complete a simple task really irks me, especially when this happens throughout the day. I try to just be ok with it but it drives me nuts. So i've been better at trying to set limits with the kids and say, "No, I'm finishing this first and then I can..." etc.

I hope writing time will come more fluidly. These days, I write an hour or two here and there, again not consistently enough to get much done. I keep wondering if I shoudl jsut quit writing so I can be happier with the kids but then... I think ultimately, I'd regret losing this window of opportunity that I'm in right now with having a publisher I love that works with my family life. I hope this year will be easier to manage fitting that in. We'll see!

Lots of new experiences coming up starting tomorrow! I"m so thrilled there will be no homework for Aiya, per the new school district rule. Yes! I can just focus on spending fun time with her when she gets home. Sooo happy about that.

Here's to a great first day tomorrow!